Decisions that I have made and regretted. That is all that comes to my mind when I think of the word "decision".
And the very worst, the life altering, earth shattering, forever changed what should have been, was meant to be, the children I should have had, all that was destroyed with one mind boggling decision to drink and drive and in that brain numbed, altered pissed off state, I picked up a total stranger in a bar and then crashed my car and almost killed us both.
I was in a hospital for ten days, broken jaw, broken arm, cracked neck and a multitude of lesser injuries.
Nothing hurt or scarred me worse than my boyfriend telling me he could not forgive my indiscretion and he left me.
30 years later (30 years to the date tonight of the crash) I know that other things were wrong with our relationship. At the time I just blamed myself for everything.
I spent the better part of 20 years after that regretting that night and the consequences that befell me.
It did take me 20 years to be at a place where I could meet someone (that was not him) that I could let love me (who was not him) and accept that I deserved to be loved (by someone else).
I met him 10 years ago to the date.
August 3rd is either my tailsman or my fate.